Season two, episode one, long and filthy

Last season, on The OC: wench Teresa traps Ryan into moving back to Chino by having sex with him and getting pregnant; Caleb marries Julie without telling her that his financial empire is about to come crumbling down, which for these people probably means they'll have to buy a slightly smaller mansion in Vail; Seth jumps into his tiny tiny sailboat and leaves for god knows where but we hope it's not Tahiti; Marissa can't deliver her lines but looks nice in miniskirts.

Oh god here we go. We start the second season with several half-naked muscular men working on a construction site gratuitously flexing. It turns out the Cohen household has become the set for a gay porn flick. Except wait there's Kirsten ignoring Sandy and then fighting with him about Seth's whereabouts because she's had enough of hippie parenting psychobabble and thank god someone has trimmed Sandy's eyebrows this season.

Commercial and oh god here we go again. Summer and Marissa are basking by the pool in bikinis while the new hot lawn guy plays with a hose on the other side of the pool. Marissa says her mom wants her to go to cardio bar, which I don't know what cardio bar is, but I know that every gym is gonna be having classes for it in the next month now that it's been mentioned on The OC, and Summer replies that maybe Marissa really shouldn't be doing any more cardio, which this is why I like Josh Schwartz so much because this is an actual Mischa Barton is too anorexically skinny joke and Marissa defends herself by saying that she does eat after all, which validates the existence of this blog which used to be a website that complained all the time about how everyone would eat all the time on camera except for Marissa whose scenes always managed to end moments before she had to put like actual food in her mouth. Summer reminds us again that Marissa's incipient alcoholism isn't so incipient. Summer is dating Zach, which is not a cover because she doesn't miss Seth at all not at all.

Okay, another construction site. Josh Schwartz is probably going for some construction metaphor in this episode, but on the other hand it might just be a convenient way to let Ryan keep dressing in white t-shirts and wifebeaters and not have it be totally inappropriate, which reminds me that I took my friend Jeff shopping this weekend so he could wear something other than white t-shirts and I have to say it was an extremely successful expedition. I should probably point out in this online medium that Jeff has serious hottie potential, which is something I used to think about Ryan, white t-shirts and all, but as Seth has grown on me so too has Ryan's somewhat craptacular acting diminished his beauty in my eyes. Teresa packs Ryan's lunch and peels his oranges, but she isn't looking very pregnant.

Julie is pretending that Caitlin exists again and needs to be picked up from swimming lessons, and Caleb is neurotic about the phoneline being tapped and the flower truck in the driveway and Julie using the company credit card to pay for a new pony for the fictitious Caitlin.

Back at the gay porn set, Kirsten is unpacking groceries and then suddenly inspired by the Christmukkah card on the fridge she calls Seth, who we learn is staying with Luke and his gay dad in Portland, and whose middle name turns out to be Ezekiel. He's never coming back to Orange County and he hangs up and Sandy walks in and they whine a little about Seth leaving and Ryan leaving and the house just seems so empty except for the sweaty, shirtless men prancing around everywhere. Oh and look here's Jimmy, who announces he is still dating Hailey which it's like I wonder how long they can even keep this illusion up since everyone knows North Shore has been renewed.

Sandy goes to visit Ryan at the construction site where he's working and we have some affable family bonding for a few minutes and Sandy wants Ryan to go to Portland with him to convince Seth to come home. Ryan isn't so sure but Sandy bought him an airline ticket just in case. I want Sandy and Kirsten to adopt me. Evil Teresa drives up and sees Sandy and doesn't like the looks of this.

Oh it's our first soundtrack moment! Ryan's in a wifebeater! So is this other little kid on a bike, who is a young Ryan, which really this kid looks just like him! Ryan stops hallucinating and sees Teresa in a bathrobe cooking and gratuitously flexes his muscles and then the music fades and Teresa tries to sound sympathetic about Seth but even when we're supposed to like her she's just so damn irritating. Ryan isn't going to Portland.

Sandy and Caleb meet clandestinely in a parking garage and Sandy makes fun of Caleb's cloak and dagger lifestyle and Caleb says there are good reasons and Sandy has to be at the OC airport in an hour and Caleb doesn't get it and Sandy thinks there's no news from the DA's office about anything and either all is well or all is going to soon to be shit and I know which my money's on. They drive away which it's like there was really no reason for them to meet up at all.

Seth is drawing comic strips and bonding with Luke over girls, two of whom walk in and one of whom proceeds to make out with Luke and the other girl likes Seth but he's having none of it even though Luke thinks she has a killer rack but honestly this girl doesn't even really have boobs. They get home from where they teach sailing to find Luke's gay dad cooking and announcing they have a guest and surprise! it's Sandy.

Marissa has a new car and she and Jimmy go to the porn set to hang out with Kirsten, and Marissa and Ryan don't talk anymore because it's too weird but that doesn't stop her from wandering down to the poolhouse where they didn't have sex and here we go! Our second soundtracked moment of the season.

Luke/dad and Seth/dad are eating dinner and Luke is dismayed there's no water polo team at his new school and Seth and his dad bicker and everything is weird and awkward for Luke/dad who aren't really on camera anyway.

Marissa is standing by the ocean drinking from a flask because we might not have remembered that she's going to be in AA before long otherwise. She drunk dials Ryan but doesn't say anything when he answers.

Seth and Sandy kind of make up and Sandy says hey! maybe Portland is a good idea after all. Sappy moment followed by Seth announcing he has to give a sailing lesson.

Oh and look! Ryan has packed his bag because he's going to Portland after all so he can't go with Teresa to her doctor's appointment. Teresa whines a while in a way that we're supposed to find compelling but really it's passive aggressive and we are wondering how long it's gonna take before she's not on the show anymore. Whew! Ryan narrowly escapes.

Julie wants to know why Marissa isn't even ready and won't take off her headphones and this scene of mother-daughter delights is supposed to stand in contrast to the Seth-Sandy scene we have just seen and this one ends with Marissa doing a primal scream kind of thing and throwing her deck chair into the pool in a way that is supposed to be dramatic and stirring but really makes me want to sign her up for acting lessons.

Sandy leaves! Ryan arrives! Seth is beset with a never-ending parade of visitors from SoCal.

Summer shows up at the gay porn set with a box of stuff that Seth gave her because her therapist told her she needs to vibrate at high frequency. Kirsten looks stoned and Summer dumps the pink box of stuff on his bed and has a special bonding moment with Captain Oats, which it's like I guess it's kind of sweet that Seth still has his childhood toy or whatever but can we not get over the Captain Oats thing by now. It's season two, people.

Luke's gay dad announces that there's another special dinner guest and look! it's Ryan. Luke is way too happy to see him. Seth has learned how to grill burgers, which I guess it's good that he's picking up important life skills. Seth and Ryan make up but Seth isn't going back to Newport because Ryan isn't.

Jimmy and Julie hang out at the Caleb McMansion and talk about their dysfunctional daughter without even mentioning her incipient alcoholism. That plotline will probably be resolved by episode three, though, given the past track record. Minor digression to lament the decline of what was once an edgy show about teenagers and their parents rather than a teen soap. NTTAWW teen soaps. But still. Julie mentions that Caitlin is going away to boarding school, which is definitely a good thing because this way we all no longer need to dance around pretending the girl exists when clearly there hasn't been an actress cast as Caitlin since, oh, about the pilot.

Caleb arrives at la casa de porno and Sandy tells him he's learned that the DA has built a damaging case against him which means that we're going to get some juicy courtroom drama this season, probably within the next few weeks, in which someone will inevitably stand up and irately declare "I OBJECT!" in the most strenuous possible terms that no actual lawyer not on TV ever uses.

Luke and Ryan and Seth are bonding over video games when Evil Teresa calls and annouces that yes, it's over, she's had a miscarriage, which we all know is the only acceptable way to resolve a teen pregnancy on primetime TV, and we're supposed to feel bad about this but really it just makes us realize that shit, everything is going to be essentially back to normal by the end of episode one, which is an episode or two faster than even the accelerated timetable I was expecting. Teresa tells Ryan not to come home. Seth consoles Ryan who doesn't look that sad to tell you the truth. Back at Teresa's house, her mom asks if she told him and says it's for the best and lets us know that actually nothing bad has happened to the baby at all, which means that Teresa really is going to have the baby unless she miscarries in some future episode so that the plotline can be appropriately resolved.

Climactic scene with Ryan and Seth talking about what they're going to do with their lives and it's actually a great scene but we're eager for it to be over because we know at the end they're heading back to Newport anyway, and Ryan's cab is here and uh oh! the soundtracking is starting and shit the soundtracking on this show is really damn good. It's giving me goosebumps. Ryan is getting into his cab and Seth is running to the door and they're both there and surprise! they're heading back to Newport together.

Sandy and Kirsten are drinking wine and eating dinner that looks like they might have cooked it but really not, and Seth and Ryan walk in and everyone is happy! back to normal! welcome home! Seth and Ryan bond in the poolhouse and Seth tells us about his summer's journey in which instead of sailing to Tahiti he sailed to Santa Cruz and took the bus to Portland.